My Miracle

In the past, I have been terrified of "missionary work".  OK, the Very Recent past.  Like last month when I was in line at the grocery store, and I was talking about kids with the cashier.  She mentioned how hard it was to raise kids these days.  I felt prompted to bring up the gospel and how much it helped me in raising my kids.
But suddenly my throat constricted,

my heart started pounding,
and I was blushing like mad.
And I hadn't even said. ONE. word.
Talk about EPIC FAIL!
(I tried to find a picture of a blushing woman to put here, but all I could find was those girly, cute blushes.  My blush is not cute.  It is whole-face-beet-red-is-that-woman-still-breathing?-blush.)
Who would want to listen to someone who's blushing like that?  They'd think the person was ashamed of what they're saying!
I truly am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, but Satan has put it into my heart to be afraid.
For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The kids and I recently watched a video about firing neurons in your brain.  Apparently there are opposing neuron groups that cannot fire simultaneously.  (I say "apparently" because I am no scientist and don't know all this for sure, and certainly and unfortunately don't have time to research all of it-There's my disclaimer)  But that's what these scientists were saying in this video.

For example: You have a neuron group that's telling you to have faith and share the gospel. Then, there's an opposing group that tells you to be afraid. Afraid of someone thinking you're crazy or odd or too in-their-face.
These opposing neuron groups may take turns firing; they may compete with each other, but they CANNOT fire at the same time.

This was so intriguing to me.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things
(2 Nephi 2:11)...even in our brains...maybe especially in our brains.

I like to think that the more you relent to one group of neurons, the stronger that group of neurons becomes. I don't know if, scientifically, this is true.  But I'm learning that the more I obey the FAITH neurons, the easier it is to continue obeying them.  And vise versa.

"For no man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other."    Matthew 6:24

Faith and Fear cannot coexist.  One gives way to the other.

So, I've been pondering on this principle of fear and faith for a while.  I've also been pondering on Hastening the Work.  How much have we been hearing about this lately, right?

Then my husband (who happens to be my Bishop right now) called me to be a ward missionary.  Don't you think it's a little unfair that he had intimate details about the THING that I was absolutely the WORST at??
I did!  But he also knew what was in my heart.  He knew how much I sincerely want to be better at missionary work, to feel successful doing what God wants.
I do not want to be left behind in the Lord's great work!  I feel that it's a pivotal time for church members to choose to jump in and help, or to choose to let distractions, fears, or apathy keep them from joining the ranks.

So, I've been working on it.  Then, the other day I'm at the store.  My 11 year old needs new jeans, and I'm sitting there while she tries them on.  The attendant starts small-talking with me, and eventually telling her life-story to me.  She's divorced, living with a boyfriend, her son has gotten someone pregnant and she's supporting all of them (including the new child), and she's an alcoholic.
Wow.  I listen sympathetically until my daughter is done and we head on our way.
As we're walking away, the Spirit tells me:
"You have something that would help her!  Go back and tell her!"
My brain thinks, "What in the world do I say?"
The spirit says simply, "Write down the church's address and invite her to come."

I scramble in my purse for a pen and write down the address.  As I'm doing this, my daughter makes this noise that's a cross between a moaning cat and a faulty car engine.  "Mooom?  I know what you're thinking.  What are you going to do?!"

My heart is racing a little, but I try to focus of Faith, not Fear.  Love, not Fear.
We walk back and I say, "This might sound crazy, but here's the address to the church I attend.  It might make things better."
My throat wasn't constricted, I wasn't blushing profusely, and I was saying this without bursting into nervous tears!
The woman truly seemed grateful for the gesture.  I asked my daughter later if it seemed weird or awkward. I knew she'd be my worst critic, since she's often embarrassed purely by my existence.  She grudgingly admitted that it wasn't weird or awkward!

It was a true miracle!  

Here's what I learned from that experience:

• Think of how the Savior loves each person, and make your invitations out of love.  
• He will give you His love if you ask for it.
• Don't overthink it.  If the Spirit dictates you to say something, JUST SAY IT!
• Be patient with yourself.  I've been pondering missionary work and how I can be better at it for months, and this is the first time that I've felt successful-like maybe I can do this after all!
• Ask yourself, "Will I regret it if I don't share, speak up, etc.?"  I hate living with regret, so this motivates me to be bold.

And what better way to end than with lyrics to a pop song?  Ha ha.  But, really this has been my "missionary theme song" for the past few months. 

Brave

by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing.

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.

You can be the outcast.

You can be the backlash of somebody's lack of love.

OR...you can start speaking up.

Nothings gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin.  

Kept on the inside, and no sunlight.

Sometimes a shadow wins.

But...I wonder what would happen if you 

Say!  What you wanna say.

And let the words fall out.

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

With what you wanna say.

Everybody's been there.  

Everybody's been stared down by the enemy.

Fallen for the fear, and done some disappearing.

Bow down to the mighty.

Don't Run...  

Just stop holding your tongue!

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live.

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in.

Show me...

How big your brave is!

And since your history of silence won't do you any good,

(Did you think it would?)

Let your words be anything but empty.

Why don't you tell them the truth?

This song helped me realize that my "history of silence" wasn't doing anyone any good.  I wasn't "protecting" myself from anything.  I was only depriving myself of great experiences, more opportunities to love, and a greater capacity to feel and follow the Spirit. And if I can do it, anyone can.  Because...

With men, it is impossible, but not with God:  For with God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)