Striving for Unshakable Faith

I've wanted to write about faith for a while now.  I've hesitated because I didn't know if I could do it justice.  But then I realized there's no way I WILL be able to do it justice, so the pressure is off.  This will be a post that doesn't do justice to the topic of faith!  :-)

I wanted to focus on one specific moment in the process of gaining faith.  The moment when our faith is shaken, pummeled, and rattled to the core.  These moments come.  We may as well admit it. We may as well expect it.  We may as well plan for it.

There will be events or trials where suddenly the floodlights burst upon the scene and reveal the level of our faith.  And sometimes our faith may not look too hot.  (Maybe they are unflattering fluorescent floodlights)

I guess the main point I want to make today is that it's OK.  It's OK if our faith feels weak.  It's OK if we feel like we're groping in the dark.  It's OK if we don't have all the answers.

What is NOT OK is to turn away from the Lord at times like these.  It is not OK to doubt ourselves to the point of giving up.  It is not OK to assume there must be NO answers simply because we don't see the answers right now.  It is not OK to see our weakness, and feel so much ashamed that we decide we're irredeemable.  It is not OK to deny that God' love is THERE simply because we don't feel it at that moment.

Don't get me wrong.  We are free to choose any of these paths.  But things will only get worse if we do.

The funny thing is, I'm always surprised by these faith-revealing moments!
"THAT's what my faith looks like?!  Ugh!"
"When the heck did my faith muscles become so puny?!"

And I guess it makes sense that it's surprising, because after all, we can't know the depth of our faith until it's tested.  But it will be tested.

So, what should we do when our faith is in the proving fire?

We let the faith we DO have shine as bright as we can!
And then we act in a way that proves we desire greater faith!

We 'bust a move" when temptations come and give them NO place to settle in our hearts.
We put our whole being into keeping every commandment diligently and sincerely.
We choose to smile even when it doesn't feel like a smiley-kind-of-day.
We choose to REMEMBER that God is good and God knows best.
We don't give up or give in.

We realize THIS and live it:

"Faith increases when we not only hear, but act on the word of God as well, in obedience to the truths we have been taught.  There is NO faith where there is NO obedience."
(L. Whitney Clayton Ensign Oct. 2001 "Help Thou Mine Unbelief")

So we choose to obey even when it's hard or we're tired.  Then increased faith will come.

And this:

"Serving, studying, praying, and worshiping are four fundamentals in perfecting 'that which is lacking in [our] faith'. (1 Thessalonians 3:10)  If we cease nurturing our faith in any of these four specific ways, we are vulnerable."
(Neal A. Maxwell Ensign, May 1991, p. 88.)

NO doubt about it.  There is no super-hero power that allows us to avoid doing those four things, and somehow still have super faith.  We've all thought we could though, haven't we?
"Oh, I can skip praying tonight and still be awesome..."

But if we consistently do these things, increased faith will come.

There's great hope in these truths, isn't there?  Increasing our faith when it is lacking isn't beyond anybody's capability.  They are quite simple actions we can all take.

Lastly, we remember this:

"...the trying of your faith worketh patience.  But LET patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." 
(James 1:3-4)

We shouldn't fight against these moments.  We need to let them work in us to forge a brighter faith than we had before.

I have a plaque above my front door with these lines from a sacrament hymn:

"Oh, that our faith may never move but stand unshaken as Thy love."

I know my faith is often lacking.  I know I'm often weak.
But I also know that God's love is there: unchangeable, immovable, and unconditional.  And knowing this makes me want to strive for immovable faith.  His love motivates me to reject my doubts, to trust His goodness, and to believe Him when he says that "all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

So when your faith is under trial, let your actions show your faith, whatever you may "lack yet".

It's Our Time!

I love symbols.  I love thinking of two things, seemingly unrelated, and finding a connection. Something that brings them together on common ground and opens your mind to a new perspective. From an early age, I would pour over poetry and relish the metaphors and symbols.  It was "nerdy", but I loved it.  I still do.

I don't think of it as nerdy anymore, but as essential to gospel learning.  The Lord uses symbols all the time!  The more practice we have with learning through symbols, I think, the better off we'll be.  Here's the best part of learning something through symbols:  You can learn something new every time you read/experience it!

You'll see different connections you haven't seen before simply because you are different each time you read; a different person with different circumstances, with more experiences.  I think that's one reason the Lord uses symbols.  They are timeless!

A large part of the Lord's symbolic teaching comes through allegories/parables.  I was reading one this morning: Jacob 5.  The allegory of the Olive Tree.  Full of symbols!  I am not going to give a full discourse on all the symbols and their meanings.  I like to keep my posts short :).
 And there are lots of explanations out there (like this one) much better than I could give.

I just want to share what I got out of the parable this morning.  It's something different from last time I read it, and you may get something totally different than I did.  (If you've never read Jacob 5, click the link above and read it.  The rest of my post won't make sense otherwise.)

As I was reading, I was writing down the whole sequence of events, hoping to get new meaning out of it. The Master and his servant have a lot of back and forth.  They come to the vineyard, see work that needs to be done, do it, come back later to check, etc. It's basically a history of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout time.
 I got excited as Jacob talked about the trees being planted in a choice land (America!  Happy 4th!). Now the allegory was approaching a time with which I was more familiar.  This was the history of my nation and the gospel in my time!  But as the Master and His servant visit the vineyard after a time, they notice all the fruit in this choice land is corrupt.  What a disaster!  All that work and love for a bunch of bad fruit.
The Master was sad to think that all the branches would need to be destroyed.  But the servant convinced him to try one more time.
So what do they do?  They come up with a rescue plan.  There will be pruning, nourishing, digging about, etc.  And then, because I was writing an outline and paying more attention than normal, I noticed something that seemed huge to me.  Up until this point, it's just the Master and his servant discussing and doing all the work.  But, once this rescue plan is in place, something changes.  The Masters says:

61 Wherefore, go to, and call servants, that we may labor diligently with our might in the vineyard, that we may prepare the way, that I may bring forth again the natural fruit, which natural fruit is good and the most precious above all other fruit.

 62 Wherefore, let us go to and labor with our might this last time, for behold the end draweth nigh, and this is for the last time that I shall prune my vineyard.

 Other people get involved!  There were more laborers needed.

 71 And the Lord of the vineyard said unto them: Go to, and labor in the vineyard, with your might. For behold, this is the last time that I shall nourish my vineyard; for the end is nigh at hand, and the season speedily cometh; and if ye labor with your might with me ye shall have joy in the fruit which I shall lay up unto myself against the time which will soon come.

It hit me.  This is my time! This part of the story is happening right now.  And we can all be one of the laborers.

Doctrine and Covenants 4:3  "Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work."

At the end of the story, all the good fruit eventually overtakes the bad fruit, and the trees are all unified.

75 And it came to pass that when the Lord of the vineyard saw that his fruit was good, and that his vineyard was no more corrupt, he called up his servants, and said unto them: Behold, for this last time have we nourished my vineyard; and thou beholdest that I have done according to my will; and I have preserved the natural fruit, that it is good, even like as it was in the beginning. And blessed art thou; for because ye have been diligent in laboring with me in my vineyard, and have kept my commandments, and have brought unto me again the natural fruit, that my vineyard is no more corrupted, and the bad is cast away, behold ye shall have joy with me because of the fruit of my vineyard.

That can be us!  I definitely want a piece of that joy.  And whether I experience that joy or not, all depends on what I choose to do during my time on earth.  Am I laboring diligently?  Am I furthering the Lord's work?  Am I involved?  Am I rescuing?

The allegory really put it all into perspective for me.  The whole history leads up to this point, and this is the last great effort to save the vineyard.  Will we be part of it?

I can't help thinking of a line from Goonies.  All you 80's movie fans out there, know the line!  It's Sean Austin being inspirational long before he was Rudy!

"Down here it's OUR time!  It's OUR time down here!"  Let's make the best of it!

Rest for the Soul

Sometimes as a Mom, I just want a rest.  A rest from the quarrels, the noise, the constant work involved with raising a family.  All you Moms out there know what I'm talking about.  We love our kids, and want to give them the best.  But..we are human!  We need breaks.  

I love the idea of "rest" in the scriptures:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

How many times have you read those words when life was tough, and thought, 'That's me!  Heavy-laden!  I need that rest!'

I know I have.

Rest for the Soul.  I believe that's something that everyone wants.

So, how do we get it?  Good news everyone.  I found the secrets!

To find rest for the soul, you simply need to:

• Be meek and lowly in heart.  -Matthew 11:29
• Keep God's commandments.  -Mosiah 2:41 
• Be not weary in doing good.  -Alma 37:34
• Do works of righteousness.  -Doctrine and Covenants 59:23
• Seek the Lord.  -Doctrine and Covenants 54:10

Are you noticing a pattern here?  Attaining "rest" requires a lot of work!  

This is NOT rest as the world giveth:

Ease, Luxury, Sleep, Repose, Inactivity

This is rest as God giveth:

Tranquility of mind, Peace of conscience, a Calm spirit, a Mind free of turbulence.

I found some definitions of rest in the dictionary that provide more perspectives:

 To rest is...

*to rely upon

*to be based or founded upon

*to be found with, belong with, reside with

*to be fixed or directed upon

To find rest with God is to be found on His side!  It means we belong with Him, are fixed in Him, and Rely on Him.  I love this image of rest even more than the luxurious, bubble-bath kind of rest!

It is true rest....rest that requires work!  

But it's the best kind of work; for as the Savior said, "...my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

It's a paradox.  I don't know how it works, but it does.  We work harder at keeping the commandments, walking as Jesus would walk, and doing good, and the labor is easier and we find REST.

Try it out for yourself!

Waiting to Run

I love to run.  All you crazies out there who love it too, you'll understand this story.  But hopefully everyone can relate to this by thinking of something they love.
Running is amazing. It clears my mind, invigorates my body, and soothes my soul.  Sounds cheesy, but it's true.  See this woman?  This is how I feel about running.  Even if I don't look like that while I run, I feel that way :-).
It's become an outlet for me.  Being a mother can be intense!  And homeschooling my kids takes a lot of emotional and mental stamina.  Somehow the physical exertion of running counters the mental strain and refreshes me.

A while ago, I got injured and I couldn't run.  For four months I couldn't run.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  I was miserable!  I had lost something I loved, and I went through all the stages of grief.

First, I was in denial. I tried to run anyway and hurt myself more.
Then I was angry.  Why couldn't I run?  Is it really so much to ask for?!
I was depressed.
It took me a long time to come to the Acceptance phase.

See?  This is me NOT able to run.

But even after accepting that it might be a while until I could run again, I still had problems.

Not only could I not run; I woke up in pain every morning and none of the chiropractors, massage therapists, or orthopedists (not to mention my time researching the internet) had been able to find out what exactly was wrong.  You can't fix a problem until you know what it is!  It took a lot of courage just to get out of bed each morning.  And all you Type A personalities out there know how hard it is emotionally to function at less than your full capacity.  So it was rough.

I like to Do.  I like to be a Helper.  I like to be self-sufficient and independent.  It is difficult for me to feel like I have a purpose when I'm wading around in pain, unable to take care of my family or reach out to help others.  I recognize there is a purpose to suffering.  But how could I have a purpose when I spent my days suffering?

Like always, Heavenly Father put something in my path that helped.  It's a poem by John Milton.  Milton has been considered one of England's greatest writers of poetry, theology, and political commentary.  John Milton went blind when he was 56 years old.
I imagine going blind was a bit of a hindrance in his chosen life-work as well as every day life.  We get a glimpse of his feelings in this poem:

When I Consider How My Light is Spent

When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"
I fondly ask.  But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or His own gifts.  Who best 
Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best.  His state
Is kingly: thousands at His bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait."

I realized that I could "serve" by waiting patiently through the suffering.  I could "serve" by submitting to God's will.  I could "serve" by humbly accepting whatever kind of day Heavenly Father saw fit to give me.  Just as there is satisfaction in doing and helping, there can be satisfaction in enduring well.

I also found comfort in the Conference talk by Robert D. Hales from October 2011.  I was in the Conference Center when he gave this talk.  Let me tell you, it was powerful.  I don't know much about his personal life, but through the spirit of his talk you could just tell that he'd been through the wringer.  You knew that HE knew from personal experience what he was talking about.  Here's an excerpt:

"I think about Joseph Smith, who suffered illness as a boy and persecution throughout his life. Like the Savior, he cried out, “O God, where art thou?” Yet even when he was seemingly alone, he exercised his agency to wait upon the Lord and carry out his Heavenly Father’s will.

I think of our pioneer forebears, driven from Nauvoo and crossing the plains, exercising their agency to follow a prophet even as they suffered sickness, privation, and some even death. Why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose?

As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.” 

Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, “O God, where art thou?” Yes! When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”

What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.

To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”

Waiting upon the Lord means to “stand fast” and “press forward” in faith, “having a perfect brightness of hope.”

Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder toward ourselves. Let us remember that as we wait upon the Lord, we are becoming “saint[s] through [His] atonement, … submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.”

And as for the pain, it got better.  I found help through a physical therapist and TIME.  I'm still not able to run like before.  I don't know if I ever will.  But that's OK.  In the meantime I have faith in this:

 

My Miracle

In the past, I have been terrified of "missionary work".  OK, the Very Recent past.  Like last month when I was in line at the grocery store, and I was talking about kids with the cashier.  She mentioned how hard it was to raise kids these days.  I felt prompted to bring up the gospel and how much it helped me in raising my kids.
But suddenly my throat constricted,

my heart started pounding,
and I was blushing like mad.
And I hadn't even said. ONE. word.
Talk about EPIC FAIL!
(I tried to find a picture of a blushing woman to put here, but all I could find was those girly, cute blushes.  My blush is not cute.  It is whole-face-beet-red-is-that-woman-still-breathing?-blush.)
Who would want to listen to someone who's blushing like that?  They'd think the person was ashamed of what they're saying!
I truly am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, but Satan has put it into my heart to be afraid.
For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The kids and I recently watched a video about firing neurons in your brain.  Apparently there are opposing neuron groups that cannot fire simultaneously.  (I say "apparently" because I am no scientist and don't know all this for sure, and certainly and unfortunately don't have time to research all of it-There's my disclaimer)  But that's what these scientists were saying in this video.

For example: You have a neuron group that's telling you to have faith and share the gospel. Then, there's an opposing group that tells you to be afraid. Afraid of someone thinking you're crazy or odd or too in-their-face.
These opposing neuron groups may take turns firing; they may compete with each other, but they CANNOT fire at the same time.

This was so intriguing to me.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things
(2 Nephi 2:11)...even in our brains...maybe especially in our brains.

I like to think that the more you relent to one group of neurons, the stronger that group of neurons becomes. I don't know if, scientifically, this is true.  But I'm learning that the more I obey the FAITH neurons, the easier it is to continue obeying them.  And vise versa.

"For no man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other."    Matthew 6:24

Faith and Fear cannot coexist.  One gives way to the other.

So, I've been pondering on this principle of fear and faith for a while.  I've also been pondering on Hastening the Work.  How much have we been hearing about this lately, right?

Then my husband (who happens to be my Bishop right now) called me to be a ward missionary.  Don't you think it's a little unfair that he had intimate details about the THING that I was absolutely the WORST at??
I did!  But he also knew what was in my heart.  He knew how much I sincerely want to be better at missionary work, to feel successful doing what God wants.
I do not want to be left behind in the Lord's great work!  I feel that it's a pivotal time for church members to choose to jump in and help, or to choose to let distractions, fears, or apathy keep them from joining the ranks.

So, I've been working on it.  Then, the other day I'm at the store.  My 11 year old needs new jeans, and I'm sitting there while she tries them on.  The attendant starts small-talking with me, and eventually telling her life-story to me.  She's divorced, living with a boyfriend, her son has gotten someone pregnant and she's supporting all of them (including the new child), and she's an alcoholic.
Wow.  I listen sympathetically until my daughter is done and we head on our way.
As we're walking away, the Spirit tells me:
"You have something that would help her!  Go back and tell her!"
My brain thinks, "What in the world do I say?"
The spirit says simply, "Write down the church's address and invite her to come."

I scramble in my purse for a pen and write down the address.  As I'm doing this, my daughter makes this noise that's a cross between a moaning cat and a faulty car engine.  "Mooom?  I know what you're thinking.  What are you going to do?!"

My heart is racing a little, but I try to focus of Faith, not Fear.  Love, not Fear.
We walk back and I say, "This might sound crazy, but here's the address to the church I attend.  It might make things better."
My throat wasn't constricted, I wasn't blushing profusely, and I was saying this without bursting into nervous tears!
The woman truly seemed grateful for the gesture.  I asked my daughter later if it seemed weird or awkward. I knew she'd be my worst critic, since she's often embarrassed purely by my existence.  She grudgingly admitted that it wasn't weird or awkward!

It was a true miracle!  

Here's what I learned from that experience:

• Think of how the Savior loves each person, and make your invitations out of love.  
• He will give you His love if you ask for it.
• Don't overthink it.  If the Spirit dictates you to say something, JUST SAY IT!
• Be patient with yourself.  I've been pondering missionary work and how I can be better at it for months, and this is the first time that I've felt successful-like maybe I can do this after all!
• Ask yourself, "Will I regret it if I don't share, speak up, etc.?"  I hate living with regret, so this motivates me to be bold.

And what better way to end than with lyrics to a pop song?  Ha ha.  But, really this has been my "missionary theme song" for the past few months. 

Brave

by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing.

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug.

You can be the outcast.

You can be the backlash of somebody's lack of love.

OR...you can start speaking up.

Nothings gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin.  

Kept on the inside, and no sunlight.

Sometimes a shadow wins.

But...I wonder what would happen if you 

Say!  What you wanna say.

And let the words fall out.

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

With what you wanna say.

Everybody's been there.  

Everybody's been stared down by the enemy.

Fallen for the fear, and done some disappearing.

Bow down to the mighty.

Don't Run...  

Just stop holding your tongue!

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live.

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in.

Show me...

How big your brave is!

And since your history of silence won't do you any good,

(Did you think it would?)

Let your words be anything but empty.

Why don't you tell them the truth?

This song helped me realize that my "history of silence" wasn't doing anyone any good.  I wasn't "protecting" myself from anything.  I was only depriving myself of great experiences, more opportunities to love, and a greater capacity to feel and follow the Spirit. And if I can do it, anyone can.  Because...

With men, it is impossible, but not with God:  For with God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)

We Have to Go Through It

You know the feeling...
You're at the end of your rope.  Something you love dearly is snatched away from you and you're left feeling stunned and dumbfounded.  Those whiny questions you told yourself you would NEVER ask like "Why Me?"and "Why This!?" are worming their way into your heart.  You're honestly afraid it will crush you, but you desperately want to be strong.
That's how I felt one morning as I came across this scripture in my search for answers:

Hebrews 2:14

"Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;"

You may need to read it again.  There's some poetic irony in there.

Christ overcame death and the devil by going through death.  It's a beautiful irony.
If Christ hadn't gone through death, the resurrection would have never come to pass.  You can't live again if you haven't died!  So then I was wondering-what else do we have to experience in order to overcome it?  Um...everything.

It is only through sorrow, that we overcome it.
It is only through stress and frustration, that we learn how to overcome it.
It is only through poor health, that we know how to overcome poor health.
You can't conquer anything you're not acquainted with.

Through is the only way!

It sounds so simple now that it's written down, but for some reason it hit me hard the morning I read it.

Hebrews 2:14 helped me find gratitude for my trials, my suffering.

More trials=more conquering!

Whoo-hoo!  Go Trials!

And it is only THROUGH the Atonement that we can conquer everything.

All this thinking about the word THROUGH reminds me of this book:


We're going on a bear hunt,
We're gonna catch a big one,
What a beautiful day,
We're not scared.
Oh oh!
Mud,
Thick, oozy mud.
We can't go over it,
We can't go under it,
We've gotta go through it!

That's one verse of the "Going on a Bear Hunt" poem.  The hunters have to make it through swirling snowstorms, strong winds, deep water, and more.

In every verse there is an obstacle, and for every obstacle there is no way around, under, or over it.

They have to go THROUGH it.

There's the gospel in a childrens' book.  It just sums up life!  One obstacle after another; repetitive, yet changing.  And I love the two lines that keep coming back in every verse, no matter what obstacle they're facing.

What a Beautiful Day,
We're not Scared.


"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."   -2 Timothy 1:7