I love to run. All you crazies out there who love it too, you'll understand this story. But hopefully everyone can relate to this by thinking of something they love.Running is amazing. It clears my mind, invigorates my body, and soothes my soul. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. See this woman? This is how I feel about running. Even if I don't look like that while I run, I feel that way :-).
It's become an outlet for me. Being a mother can be intense! And homeschooling my kids takes a lot of emotional and mental stamina. Somehow the physical exertion of running counters the mental strain and refreshes me.
A while ago, I got injured and I couldn't run. For four months I couldn't run. No big deal, right? Wrong! I was miserable! I had lost something I loved, and I went through all the stages of grief.
First, I was in denial. I tried to run anyway and hurt myself more.
Then I was angry. Why couldn't I run? Is it really so much to ask for?!
I was depressed.
It took me a long time to come to the Acceptance phase.
See? This is me NOT able to run.
But even after accepting that it might be a while until I could run again, I still had problems.
Not only could I not run; I woke up in pain every morning and none of the chiropractors, massage therapists, or orthopedists (not to mention my time researching the internet) had been able to find out what exactly was wrong. You can't fix a problem until you know what it is! It took a lot of courage just to get out of bed each morning. And all you Type A personalities out there know how hard it is emotionally to function at less than your full capacity. So it was rough.
I like to Do. I like to be a Helper. I like to be self-sufficient and independent. It is difficult for me to feel like I have a purpose when I'm wading around in pain, unable to take care of my family or reach out to help others. I recognize there is a purpose to suffering. But how could I have a purpose when I spent my days suffering?
Like always, Heavenly Father put something in my path that helped. It's a poem by John Milton. Milton has been considered one of England's greatest writers of poetry, theology, and political commentary. John Milton went blind when he was 56 years old.
I imagine going blind was a bit of a hindrance in his chosen life-work as well as every day life. We get a glimpse of his feelings in this poem:
When I Consider How My Light is Spent
When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or His own gifts. Who best
Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best. His state
Is kingly: thousands at His bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait."
I realized that I could "serve" by waiting patiently through the suffering. I could "serve" by submitting to God's will. I could "serve" by humbly accepting whatever kind of day Heavenly Father saw fit to give me. Just as there is satisfaction in doing and helping, there can be satisfaction in enduring well.
I also found comfort in the Conference talk by Robert D. Hales from October 2011. I was in the Conference Center when he gave this talk. Let me tell you, it was powerful. I don't know much about his personal life, but through the spirit of his talk you could just tell that he'd been through the wringer. You knew that HE knew from personal experience what he was talking about. Here's an excerpt:
"I think about Joseph Smith, who suffered illness as a boy and persecution throughout his life. Like the Savior, he cried out, “O God, where art thou?” Yet even when he was seemingly alone, he exercised his agency to wait upon the Lord and carry out his Heavenly Father’s will.
I think of our pioneer forebears, driven from Nauvoo and crossing the plains, exercising their agency to follow a prophet even as they suffered sickness, privation, and some even death. Why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose?
As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.”
Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, “O God, where art thou?” Yes! When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”
What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.
To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”
Waiting upon the Lord means to “stand fast” and “press forward” in faith, “having a perfect brightness of hope.”
Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder toward ourselves. Let us remember that as we wait upon the Lord, we are becoming “saint[s] through [His] atonement, … submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.”And as for the pain, it got better. I found help through a physical therapist and TIME. I'm still not able to run like before. I don't know if I ever will. But that's OK. In the meantime I have faith in this:
